This is an email I got from Neil. It is very telling and gives us an important and easy to use metaphor/concept on how to stop reacting, but start responding with empathy.
I got it today, I love Neil, he is one of the most curious and talented authors and human beings. Not just because he’s the author of The Game, a book which started an important change in my life and that of millions of others, but because he is able to go through all kinds of struggles, then summarize the best solutions for overcoming these often immense struggles and present them to us, the mere humans, in an easy to understand and remember form. This one is no exception.
I’m strongly recommending signing up to his newsletter. The emails don’t come very often, but most often they’re quite deep and profound.
So here is a copy/paste of this email:
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Ivan,There’s a motto that I have for myself that I want to share with you today. It’s very simple: Expand the gap between listening and responding. When there’s no gap, we don’t respond. We react. |
Especially when you’re having a hard conversation or you feel criticized. What’s the difference between the two? A response is rational. A reaction is emotional. Example: Your partner says, “You’re always late!” Your reaction might be to feel hurt, and get defensive, and then act that out on your partner. “Leave me alone. Traffic was bad. Why are you always so shitty and critical with me? I couldn’t help it.” If your partner then reacts, soon you’re arguing. And if this keeps happening, eventually you’re broken up. A reaction is generally based on the wounds of the past. A response is generally based in the unfiltered present. So a rational response would be to think: Is this true? In this case, it’s probably not. There are of course some occasions when you haven’t been late. |
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So if you widen the gap, and sit with the discomfort of a reaction rather than acting it out, and then self-soothe if needed, you can get to the rational response. So you get to experience both an emotional reaction and a rational set of thoughts. Now comes the final step of what you’re going to do in this gap: Combine your emotions and your thoughts, get into a place of reality, and empathize. First with yourself, then with your partner. Now imagine you could say: “It sounds like you’re frustrated that I’m late, and have a pattern of being late sometimes.” If they respond in a connected way, you can continue the conversation. Work on a solution together so the same problem doesn’t keep occurring. If they react instead of responding, stay cool, acknowledge their feelings, and table the connection-oriented or solution-oriented conversation for later. Keep in mind that this gap may just be a matter of seconds, or even less than a second. It is a sliver of time that contains the enormous possibility to transform your relationships and create harmony. Seek to understand first, before seeking to be understood. Best, |
Update: Just recently, I noticed how Eckhart Tolle is always taking a very noticeable few seconds before answering every question. It’s that easy, that profound, but we rarely do it. We’re so automated :) It’s a mental note for me to take time to answer. Just a few seconds.
Ivan On Racing 